Sometimes you’ve heard a thing a thousand times before it hits you.
My anxiety has been off the charts lately. I’ve been struggling in a way that I haven’t felt for many years. Worry and fear have taken hold of me and I feel like it’s a constant battle to shake loose of them enough to even breathe. My mind is like a runaway locomotive barreling down the track with no end in sight, and I’m being dragged by the toes as I dig my nails into the dirt clawing for some purchase to slow down the speed with which I’m being thrust down the rabbit hole of swirling thoughts and heart racing panic.
I’ve known for some time that my physical symptoms hold hands with my emotional ones, but it’s always been easier to focus on what I can actually SHOW a professional so I’ve shoved my anxiety over in an attempt to get a toehold of improvement in my physical symptoms, but it seems that I always come up with more instead of less. Time to change the game.
I’ve signed up for counseling, and I even bought the book she recommended for me. Committed to myself to share more about my feelings to release the tempest so that it might scale back to merely a storm. I’ve taken deep breaths, and then I asked Jesus to help me. I’ve asked Jesus to help me in panic mode many times. Like, thousands of times. Literally. But this time I asked him to help me see HIM, and that changed something. When you ask the better questions, you get better answers.
Today I walked into church in a sullen mood. I was wallowing in my hurt. I was thinking of all the friends that didn’t call me during our recent illness, and all the activities I’ve missed out on because of my fear, and even though everyone around me was belting out beautiful music I was sitting there close to tears as I fed my wounds. Usually when the pastor begins speaking I pull out my journalling bible and draw something on the page that reminds me of what the passage teaches. Today, of course, that page was already full. No drawing for me. EXCEPT, it was Jesus’ call to draw me in. To allow me to hear what the pastor was saying, because every word was just. for. ME.
As I listened, he spoke on Philippians 4:8-9. He talked about our culture of anxiety and the racing thoughts that I was dealing with AT THAT MOMENT. he talked about taking each thought captive, and my mind said “blah, blah, blah, I’ve heard all this before…” I sighed. And then he said it again- …”put it into practice.” WAIT. That’s an action. That’s something to DO. How can I DO this? How can I remind myself of this passage when panic is closing down all functions other than fight or flight?
Well it hit me. DAMNIT. I’m choosing fight. And I’m inviting you in.
After church, with my family all fed, I headed off to the craft store to find what I needed. Half an hour of work later I had the prototype and a new tool to manage my anxiety. When I look at these words, I can ask myself the questions it prompts. are these thoughts TRUE? – that’s where we start. what is TRUE in my situation. Then, is what I’m thinking RIGHT? Have my thoughts been influenced by the enemy, or are they PURE? Can I now think of something LOVELY? ADMIRABLE, or EXCELLENT? And the last word is PRAISE. If I follow THIS path, it all leads back to PRAISE.
Because if I “..put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”
Let me know if I can send you a bracelet. Let’s support each other. Lets fight together.
And “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. whatever you have learned or received from me- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”
Philippians 4:8
