On this night four years ago I was a terrified mess begging my husband to check me into a hospital.

See this Idiopathic Angioedema I have had totally messed with my confidence. My body does things I cant control. Life threatening things. And I pretty much have no say in the matter. Four years ago I was in a full swing flair up of symptoms that started showing up after Zoe was born. Inflamed, burning and itchy hives the size of dollar bills. Swollen lips. Swollen tongue. Swollen throat. Daily. Constantly. I was terrified of every day in my body. And then the straw that broke the proverbial back- the emergency room doctor that told me “You’re pregnant”

I love babies. I love MY babies. I prayed and agonized over wanting them so much that I was willing to throw up for 9 months straight in order to call them mine. Each time I was pregnant I had hyper emesis gravidarium. If you’re up on your medical lingo you’ll agree that it basically means “super puking for the entire pregnancy”. All day and night. No food stays down. You have to be medicated constantly and fed intravenously to keep everyone alive. So the doctors little announcement that night meant combining non stop vomiting and a throat that might close from random swelling into a disturbingly vivid reality.
I could not stop the visions of HOW WRONG this could go.

But I held on.

Every day I asked the Lord to save me. Every day he gave me just enough strength to make it through.

Today- she and I were alone in the car.
“Mama!” She says, “ I fell asleep before we prayed yesterday! Let’s pray now!”

Then for about five minutes she lists all the things she’s grateful for. Trees out the window. The doctor that saw zoe today. That daddy was coughing and stayed home from work. The car we have had for a year now since the other one broke. Every thing that came through her mind she said thank you for.

And when she said AMEN she sighed a big deep breath of contentment with a smile on her face.

So. Me too. I’m grateful for sweet friends that come a pray for you when anxiety is trying to isolate and degrade you. Grateful too, for toddlers that show you how simple it is to replace worry with praise. For a Heavenly Father who knows far more than I can dream or imagine. Who has a plan for me that is so much bigger than my fears.