Tis The Season

It has been an interesting year. 

I’ve had thrilling highs and some pretty gnarly lows. I’ve published a BOOK (!!!) and I’ve starved for days because I was too scared to put any food in my body. The rollercoaster of life doesn’t stop to savor the moment and it doesn’t pause to clean up the vomit. It just keeps ticking along  with no concern for your personal feelings about it.

For the past 8 years or so my little family has invested in a family tradition at Advent. There is a series of books that tell the tales of 4 different children who’s stories all intersect with the Christmas story. There is a chapter for each night leading up to Christmas Eve. It’s a couple pages of mystery and adventure with a question posed at the end to get you to think about Advent. We have absolutely loved spending the time to do this together. The different stories make an impact on my family, and my eldest at nearly 15 still asks to read these books each year. My children have been so impacted that they’ve made major changes in their lives from the discussions following the reading. Truly a blessing in our lives.

Tonight, as I was reading aloud, I had one of those “ah-ha” moments.

The little girl in the story is trying to rescue her dad. He was captured by Romans and thrown in jail. She is on a mission, through the desert, alone, at night, to find the rest of her family and retrieve the papers that will free her father. Naturally, alone in the desert, at night, as a female, there’s a bad guy. He’s coming after her and she doesn’t know what to do. She has this moment describing the process of turning away from the fire, and looking into the the dark night. Your eyes, suddenly devoid of the light, are bereft. Plunged into utter darkness, you are enveloped in the stark black and disoriented as your eyes search desperately for that which gave them purpose and function.

The girl in our story moved on. She tricked the bad guy and made a clean getaway. Me? Not so much. My overactive brain grabbed hold of this image and fell into it’s depths. 

THAT’S ME, I thought. 

I take my eyes off the light and I’m disoriented. I’m stumbling around searching for the purpose and function I once had. It’s like I’m part of the darkness then. In that moment before your eyes adjust you are consumed. It’s like the absolute black swallows you up and you ARE. NO. LONGER. 

Here, we have a choice. We make that conscious decision to stop and wait. To BE STILL and breathe. Slowly, I discern shapes in the distance. Gradually, the panic recedes as the shapes become familiar and we can perceive again the reflected light and catch our bearing.

Panic comes easy. For me, it’s not an outward expression that anyone might notice. It’s like the serene, placid river hiding the tumultuous churning beneath the surface. A dangerous calm.

I’m working on it, you see.

Finding those tools that help me navigate. Finding the footholds to climb out of the chasm. Some days, I take my eyes off the light and there I am again, panic and anxiety nipping and clawing at me, plunged into the darkness again. Consumed by the racing thoughts and what ifs of life. 

I was asked 2 questions recently about this holiday season:

#1-What would I like to see God do?

#2-What do I think God wants ME to do?

And here are my answers:

#1- I want God to SHOW UP. I want to SEE Him working. I mean, that’s the whole POINT of this season right? To celebrate the fact that GOD SHOWED UP.

I want God to BE BIG. I want to SEE the big miracles and awesome shows of power.

I want God to BE SMALL. In the quiet intimate moments that are crafted just for me.

#2- God wants ME to SHOW UP. To say yes to the things He’s prompting me to.

God wants me to BE BIG. To step out of my comfort zone and into the places He’s calling.

God wants me to BE SMALL. To be humble and quiet and let the light shine where it belongs. 

It’s the same and it’s so VASTLY different. So here I am folks. Stretching and growing everyday. Trying to let God be GOD and adjust my own perspectives. Some days it sucks and there’s just no way around that. But some days, you see the light around the edges and you know that if you let it, the light will return.