and tonight.. a gift.

As I type, my hand is swollen and burning.

They call it a “giant hive”. It’s not the biggest or worst I’ve had, but certainly less than pleasant. It’s part of my chronic illness. An Auto Immune disease where I’m basically allergic to myself. So that’s real fun.

Truth be told, if it were just intermittent swelling in my hand I’d be a different person.

Truth be told, if it were just intermittent swelling in my hand I’d be a different person. The problem is that it’s happened in my tongue and my throat, and now I’m terrified. When it was my lip, or face, or eye, I could handle it, jarring as it was to my aching vanity. But now, a twinge of this thing and I’m all hopped up thinking my next breath could be my last. Every ache or pain or itch I have sends me reeling.

Wish as I might that my response was different, I have actual WORK to do on that front. My anxiety finally has this little squeaky toy to play with and will not give it up for ANYTHING.

Night time is the hardest. I distract myself to sleep most nights, and the ones I don’t mean I’m not sleeping. It’s so much easier to listen to the swirling thoughts in my head when everything else is quiet.

There are some songs that help. That bring me to a place where I can conceptualize peace, even if I can’t quite grab it. Tonight, as I think about another torturous night stretching before me I know I need a battle plan.

This playlist is my gift to you this evening. I hope you don’t need it. But knowing, as I do, that there are so many forms of anxiety, I offer it in the hopes that if you are listening with me tonight you get a little space to breathe.

Do you have music that works for you?