Grace and Gratitude
She’s our bonus baby.
I thought we were done at 3. With each kid before I took pregnancy tests at the very soonest possible time and cried and prayed for a positive test. With this one, I was in the emergency room for another swelling incident coupled with a full on panic attack.
The ER doctor insisted on the test and sent me for an ultrasound.
Sure enough- there was a tiny baby shaped image on the screen. I was TERRIFIED my whole pregnancy with her. My body was doing strange new things. They had given me experimental new medicines for my crazy swelling thing before I knew I was pregnant. She measured small the whole time. I only gained 5 lbs. I had them check her as thoroughly as any baby could be checked in utero. They found a benign cyst on her brain, but all her structures and genetics were fine. After a final dr appt it was decided she needed to come out because she hadn’t shown any growth in a while and the amniotic fluid was quite low. All my babies were induced so that wasn’t new, but my BODY was. It did things differently than it ever had before. Not knowing if the meds they gave me for induction would set off my swelling, I wanted to do it all as drug free as possible. I prepared for a LONG labor as all my babies before had taken anywhere from one to FOUR days (thanks to my eldest for that) to finally emerge.
Naturally, this time was different, as everything was.
When I felt contractions getting intense I asked the nurse to check and see how much progress we’d made and she refused, saying it was too soon. My battery in my iPod ran out and my focus music was gone, I wanted to puke. Then the nurse took me seriously. She called another nurse to come and turned to the closet to pull out the delivery cart. As the second nurse entered the room, she ran to catch Alana as she came so suddenly into the world in one prolonged push. She’s been surprising me from the beginning.
Yesterday as I was brushing her hair, I saw the one stark white hair she has that I figure must be the remnant of her brain cyst.
I smiled. I love that silly hair. It must be there to remind me. To keep me grateful. I am SO grateful. For all the things I didnt know I wanted. For all the unanswered prayers that make up the beauty of my life as it is now.
She measured so small in utero, but she came out at a healthy 6lbs 3oz. Its just that she was snuggled so deeply into me she appeared small. That hasn’t changed. She still wants to be connected to me as often as possible. She still wants me to sleep next to her. Still plays with my hair to comfort herself. She tells me every day that she’s my tiny baby. She has a shockingly large vocabulary, and a flair for drama to go with it, but she won’t talk to you. Not until you’ve proven yourself worthy of her attention. She mostly saves it all for me.
It was her last night of being 2.
Truth be told I’ve been a little weepy all week, but there’s something about that last snuggle before their birthday. Something about cherishing each moment and living in the awe and wonder of the adventure. Blessed by being along for the ride.
—-This post was written one year ago today. I feel so blessed to be able to read these words and remember once again, the beauty in the brokenness.
